Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Monday, April 14, 2008

Remember to remind me, please.

I rented Kite Runner and must say that I was terribly impressed. Some things were changed from what was in the book, but the essence, the feel of the story was there and wonderfully acted, for the most part. So, if you get the chance, rent it. Better yet, read the book!

Honestly, I nearly cried...at the end ... something that never happens with me and movies. OK, not never, Steel Magnolias can still make me cry like a baby, no matter how many times I see it. When Sally Fields is in the cemetery, my goodness!

I think that part of what was reaffirmed to me, tonight, watching that movie, the thing that I loved so much about the book and could never put my finger on. The main character was not a bad man, he was just a man. He made some mistakes, terrible mistakes that, I feel, he tried to forget/erase his entire life. He failed someone he loved, honestly who among us has not? We can not forget or erase those mistakes. We must learn to live with them, not to allow them to haunt us but to learn the lesson necessary and behave differently next time. He had to learn that he was more than the sum of his mistakes. Wouldn't that be wonderful, to know that we are all more than the sum of our mistakes? Not better, no one is better than their mistakes. But if we are changed by them, if something is learned, no matter how small, we are better because of them.

I am more than the sum of my mistakes, more than the sum of my past, more than the sum of what I have done or said, and more than the sum of the things that have been done or said to me. It is easy for a person to say that, and a much different thing to believe such is so. Right this minute, I believe what I write. Perhaps in eight hours I will need to be reminded of that belief and learn to have more faith in my own abilities.

Did you notice that I changed from first person, to second person to third person all in one post? Talented I is.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


I took several pictures yesterday of the Youngest and the Daughter. The Eldest was at the motocross track for his birthday, happy birthday kiddo!

This is only one of two that survived my virgin voyage of transferring pictures from new camera to computer. There was one of her and her father that was breathtaking, would have made a nice gift for her.

Needless to say I was incredibly disappointed with my self for flubbing up and loosing all of those pictures.

Until, because I had nothing else to look at I really looked at this photo. A thousand stories could be launched by this one image. Nothing is certain, nothing is clear. Not the time period, not the horse, age, sex, disposition, nothing to tell the viewer where we were or what we were doing.

If you look closely at her face you know the daughter is not old, what is she thinking, just beyond our view? Imagine the thing capturing her attention. Is she alone or surrounded by Indians? Spring or fall? Georgia, Australia, England, where are they?

I like it now, and will keep it and treasure it for the rest of my days.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Now, relax and take a deep breath . . .

Shit, fuck & Damn....

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Monday, April 7, 2008

For three weeks . . .

I lived the dream:

I could see her,
the woman of dreams,
almost touching,
She and I.

Now she is gone.
I want her back!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Is it genetic?

These words came out of the daughters mouth Friday night. Hey, at least she knows the definition and how to use it in a sentence!

So, I've been having some health problems that lead to a bit of surgery this last week. Some of you may have noticed the lack of posting in these last few months.....

I really don't want to go too in detail, as those things do not matter, but could not resist posting about my daughter's first question when informed of the situation. The last thing that I wanted was for my children to worry unnecessarily about any of this, so I did not tell them until after surgery and an almost clean bill of health. It was easy with the eldest and the daughter, they stay with their father during the week, so I just rearranged a couple of weekends with their father, using Easter and JJ's visit as a excuse. The youngest found out while I was having surgery, and did a really nice job of keeping himself centered and positive, it helped to hang out in bed with me for about an hour when I came home.

I actually only told a hand full of people, really I could count them on one hand! Why, because it felt like mine and I knew how frightening those three words can be, cancer, specialist, rare. Come on, it took me weeks just to wrap my mind around. That first one is the most difficult to come to terms with. I know two people in the last couple of years who have died from cancer and more who are undergoing the roughest of treatments. It scared the hell out of me and I did not want to spread that fear too far. So, five people knew, if you are one of those five then your fit into one of two categories, I love you and needed your support or I work for you and swore you to silence.

So, all is well and, unless the doctors are keeping me totally in the dark, all will remain well as well.

Is it genetic?

I was really worried about telling the older two, not knowing how they would take having been in the dark for so long:

Their father brings them to my house for the weekend, which is rare, as we usually meet somewhere, I was just too tired to drive and, well, sitting for too long is incredibly uncomfortable at this point.

They come in and I hobble around a bit showing them this or that bit of improvement around the house (JJ could not stay still during his three week visit), I give the Eldest his birthday present, I will post about that at a later time, and we look at some pictures taken the last time we went hiking together, then we sit down...... I need to talk to you two about something. Stares and casual "OK, sure."

"A few months ago the Doctors found some cancer which necessitated that I have some surgery last week." I say with complete calm and much care. "What, Where, When, How, Why"... all of this from the Eldest, he has always been the need to know kind of guy. So I explain as much as I feel they need to know, tell them that we are basically out of the woods physically, and inform them that we will not be going bowling, or hiking, or any of our usual activities this weekend. Which makes them smile and giggle because they wanted to see a movie instead.

Then the silent one speaks, with a bit of a squeak in her voice, "Is it genetic?" How could I not love a 13 year old with that type of perspective on life?

One positive that came out of the situation: I haven't smoked in about a month. This was helped along by a visit to a hypnotist, believe it or not.

Show in June 2007

Show in June 2007
Daughter of the Year!