Sunday, November 4, 2007

Ramble or therapy, you decide.

I have not been writing much of late, I guess that is not such a good thing for a “new blogger”, such is life…

All of the children together for the weekend and not a single drop of blood was shed. Progress has been made. Actually, it was more than nice.

I have the three most competitive children that one will ever encounter. To them it does not matter what/who they are competing against or what they are competing for, they just want to play & win. Sometimes that can be less than an enjoyable. At times I am forced to behave accordingly with them in order to get the best results. It is really very simple:

My children will only put up a united front if confronted with a common enemy; I have no problem providing them with said enemy - ME.

The boys are the biggest perpetraters of this competition thing. Sometimes they just pick on eachother to the point where I think that I am going to explode. Solution: Give them a common enemy.

Once, in the parking lot of a store, I got out the duct tape and taped their legs together - before shopping. By the end of the trip they were laughing and having the time of their lives.

With the older two staying with their father during the week and all of us having activities rather often I just do not get to see them as often as I would like! For some time now I have been stomping my foot and demanding that “Mom” time, getting rather mixed results.

Then I remembered being 13-25 and how my mother behaved. I remembered how her demanding I stayed home on a Saturday night, only to turn on the television and basically ignore me really, sent me for a loop. I can vividly recall some holiday or another when I had voluntarily stayed home, not waiting on her to demand my presence, but just acknowledging that “family time” was good time…….and how my mother was b*tching to anyone who listened about how I was never home, constantly telling me things like “If you had been here you would know why your brother has a black eye”, or whatever. I remembered how that bothered me, to be constantly reminded of how I was never there, how it hurt her feelings, how my behaviour - just being a kid, had on some level let her down. I remember thinking “I‘m supposed to be growing up, let me“, but never having the nerve to say it.

Now I truly understand what she was going through. I had to find a new approach. I have amazing children. My desire to be with them is not just a control issue, admittedly that does have some credence, but is not the major motivation.

The point is that I had to change my behavior in order to get the results that I desired. Instead of stomping my foot and chanting “my time, my time, me, me, me, me” I had to step back and be reasonable. Now I say things like: “I would like to see you, figure out a way to go to the party and hang with me.” (It really irritates them when I use language like that, yeah for me.) Simple and to the point.

I have also made more of a concerted effort to listen to them, to remember names, places and situations, so that I can have intelligent conversations with the elder two, when they choose to share. Putting down the book, mop, vacuum, toilet brush, paint brush, keyboard, or lighting plot and just listen. I find this so completely satisfying that I want to kick myself in the rear for not having done it sooner or more often.

Sure, there things left un-done as a result of this new tact………..who cares? I still make my bed, most of the time, and keep the sink clean of dirty dishes and in return I am finding out just how amazing my children are, without becoming a total b****. Keeping the lines of communication open and still not loosing an inch of control over their lives. In fact, I think that this new approach may actually give me more influence over their decisions.

Only time will tell.

1 comment:

Kelly(Mom of 6) said...


How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking? And, I can really relate to this post on a LOT of levels. I am glad that you are a blogger :)

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